“I am barely breathing and I can’t find the air
Don’t know who I’m kidding; imagining you care
And I could stand here waiting: a fool for another day
I don’t suppose it’s worth the price, it’s worth the price
The price that I might pay… but I’m thinking it over, anyways”
– “Barely Breathing”, Duncan Sheik
…I awoke the other morning, reeling from a vivid dream involving my former fiancee. I lay in bed, overcome with a deep, aching grief. The pain was undeniable and I desperately wanted to let it out, but something was holding me back. Amidst the turmoil, a calm, rational voice in my mind was telling me to lay still and be quiet. I became aware of all the locked places in my body which had protected me from expressing these feelings for God-knows how long. I couldn’t stand to hold on any longer, but was also terrified at the thought of letting go.
I had a choice to make.
In spite of the uncertainty and fear, I didn’t want to remain stuck any longer. I summoned my courage, took a deep breath and allowed myself to wail. I really hope the neighbours didn’t hear 🙂
“I want something else
To get me through this
Semi-charmed kinda life”
– “Semi-Charmed Life”, Third Eye Blind
…Soon after, I found myself sitting on the subway, tired and raw. I realized that there was no way I could get through the upcoming day or be present with my students if I had to pretend that I was “fine”. I encouraged myself to play an ‘honesty’ game: whenever people asked me how I was doing, I would actually tell them. “Today, I’m feeling depressed”.
“Everyone’s got to face down the demons
Maybe today we can put the past away”
– “Jumper”, also Third Eye Blind
…My courage and vulnerability paid off in incredible ways. I received eye contact, words of concern and encouragement from my colleagues and students. Many asked why I was feeling depressed, and so I told them: “The holiday season is always hard for me, and this is the first in probably nine years where I’ll be single”. They listened and understood. Some offered advice, but what I truly appreciated was having permission to feel the way I was feeling without judgement or criticism. Incredibly, one of my classes asked me to share the sound healing I’ve been working on, and so I took a chance and did it. They clapped for me and smiled. It was amazing.
—
These three songs came into my life yesterday just as suddenly and unexpectedly as the experiences I’ve related to them. I grew up listening to 90s alternative rock but wasn’t a fan of either Duncan Sheik or Third Eye Blind. I probably heard “Barely Breathing” a few times in passing on the radio (yes, the radio), and honestly found Third Eye Blind’s singles so poppy that I dismissed them outright as “shit” without even trying to listen. Nonetheless, here were these three songs I hadn’t thought of for years, coming into my life ready to perfectly express a particular element of the challenges and growth I was navigating.
I can often feel the same way about my emotions. As I encourage myself to be more open-minded and live a full and satisfying life, I am frequently confronted with strong, sometimes over-powering feelings. Sometimes I think I know why I’m feeling what I’m feeling; other times I am completely clueless. Sometimes I am able to care for and reassure myself; other times I am left to flounder until I reach out (hopefully soon) for help.
In my journey to live authentically, the need to trust is becoming essential: Trusting that the experiences life brings me (and my emotional responses) are empowering rather than impeding my growth. Trusting that I already possess a wealth of knowledge and tools to care for myself. Trusting that there are loving, compassionate people to carry me through the moments where I cannot carry myself. Trusting that I will know when to look inside for answers and when to look outside for help.
..Trusting that, if 90s alternative rock songs pop into my head, I should pay attention. Especially to the shitty ones 😉